I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
