So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
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I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
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He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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