1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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