If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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