I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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