just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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