the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
