Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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