Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
