omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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