Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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