Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
