I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
