my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
