then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
