You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
