dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
