I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
