She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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