The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
