I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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