Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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