Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
