My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
