I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
