dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Randomize
