I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
