I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
