know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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