I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I think I am morally bankrupt
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
pray to the hookup gods
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
