How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
