the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Randomize
