Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
