Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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