I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Randomize
