Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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