I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
