the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
