i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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