Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
