It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
