Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
