You made me cry and you don't even care
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
