well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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