I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
