Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
