Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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