he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
