you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Randomize
