my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
it glows. i had to have it.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
