God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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