Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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