Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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