Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
