Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
