So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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